


The Man I Love

by took_skye



Series: Living For the Night [22]
Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Alternate Universe - Noir, F/M, Loss of Virginity, POV Female Character, POV First Person, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-02-24
Updated: 2011-02-24
Packaged: 2017-10-22 22:02:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,370
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/243027
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/took_skye/pseuds/took_skye
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In order to truly understand certain human conditions Lil Foyet finds she needs to give up control...so she gives it to the one person she trusts, Jason Gideon.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Man I Love

  
_"It's always been you...All these years." ~ Nancy, Sin City_

***///***

It’s been stuck in my mind all day; I can’t find the answer.

“What’s the big deal about virginity?”

Jason looks up from his books on the bar. He says nothing, just waits. He knows me by now, knows that was just the opener.

“I mean, seriously, it’s just sex right? Yeah, sure, it’s the first time you have it but so what? Everyone fucks so what’s so amazing about joining a club that millions of others are already a part of?”

He removes his glasses slowly and steeples his fingers. “Well it’s less about the act and more about what it means.”

I sit up some from where I’d been relaxing on his couch and wait. No answer comes from either of us so I shrug.

Jason smiles softly at me, then his hands go wide. _Come to me, young child, and learn from my experience._ “You can only have one first, Lil, and since this is something you must experience with another person it’s an important bonding moment.”

“It’s used to bond?”

He nods his confirmation.

I smirk some. “No wonder Dad’s been all over me.” Yes, I know exactly what I’m saying, what I’m suggesting. What I can’t be sure on is how Gideon will react and I want to know. Will he go with his gut or his mind?

“Excuse me?”

His eyes are firm, a quiet rage fills them but it’s neither uncontrolled or directed at me. He’ll wait to understand before deciding just what to do.

“Dad wants me.” I grin playfully. “He wants me bad.”

“Sexually?”

I nod slow as I get up to head over to him. “I mean, honestly, I don’t think he cares all that much about bonding or whatever, but to have that tie to me, I’m sure, appeals. You know, having gotten there before anyone else, to know he’ll have gotten something no one else can ever have. Really feed that inflated ego of his…also he’s a total perv.”

Jason frowns, knowing I’m right. On all counts.

“And you?”

“And me what?” I go around the table and settle my ass right beside the books he’s cooking.

He shifts back in the chair to look me in the eyes. “Do you want…” For once he seems unsure he can complete the sentence, the thought.

“Do I want to fuck my father?”

He nods.

I shrug. “It doesn’t bother me like I know it should.”

“Should?”

“Like it does you and, ya know, the average everyday folk.” I shrug. “I could care less, really, I just don’t want him to win.”

“Win?”

I smirk my clarification. “I don’t want to give him what he wants. That’s for Mom and the others he bangs on a regular basis.”

“To give into him?”

I nod.

He nods back, understanding.

I don’t give in ever to anyone…except maybe for Jason himself. I can’t explain why he’s the exception, but he is.

Jason’s eyes scan my body with utter calm but something about it gives me the same thrill of a newly cleaned blade. I like it. I want him to do it again but he doesn’t.

“I’d rather give into you, Jason.”

His lips move in a barely perceptible smile. “I know.”

I push his paperwork aside and take its place directly in front of him.

“But you don’t want me?”

“That’s not it, Lil, you know that.”

“So you do want me?”

“Yes, but that’s irrelevant.”

“Then what is relevant?”

“Your age.” He sighs some as he looks at me. “You’re not ready at sixteen, Lil. When you’re older, when you’re truly in love –“

I cut him off with a snort. “Love?” My eyes roll in annoyance and borderline disgust. I’d never before considered Gideon weak until now. I could hate him for it. “Pathetic.”

“Excuse me?” He appears puzzled.

“You.” I say softly as I slip off the table and into his lap. “Go ahead and make whatever excuses you’d like as to why you have to deny yourself what you want, but at least make them believable.”

“You think I’m making up reasons for us not to be together?”

“I know you are.”

“How’s that?”

“Are you really going to challenge me on this, Jason?”

I go to reach for the knife at my back pocket, that urge rising up in my annoyance. But Jason knows me well enough now to know what I’m going for. He stops the arm with one hand and uses the other to pull the knife out himself. I let him. In the end it’s safer I don’t have a blade at the ready anyway.

Jason tosses the blade off into the darkened kitchen as his eyes try to pin mine down. He blinks, but doesn’t speak. Something in his stare tells me he’s pissed, but he’s not expressing it. He’s holding it all in his eyes, letting it out in his unrelenting grip on my arm.

I shift my weight; roll my hips down slow and hard. “Why would I wait for love, Jason?” I breathe out. “I don’t even feel it.”

By the second grinding roll I can feel the start of his hard-on.

“I do feel desire though,” I chuckle out.

Jason’s eyes close slowly. “Lil.”

I smirk some. I like that tone from Jason. It’s new, a mix of arousal and desperate panic. Panic from the great Jason Gideon. It’s enough to dampen panties.

“Jason.”

I bow and tilt my head to press my lips to his. For once I’m nearly the one caught off guard. Not only does Jason respond immediately, but it’s his tongue that works its way across my lips first.

“I want you to try.”

He murmurs through as his hands find both my back pockets and squeeze.

“Try what?”

I smile as I press up into him a little before grinding back down. He moans and my desire for him, just him, grows.

“To love.”

The kiss grows more demanding for both of us. Tongues slip out to tangle and tango.

“Teach me.”

He breaks the kiss and looks up at me unsure if I’m just giving lines to get my way. For once, for him, I’m not. “Please?”

Jason grows quiet as he studies me for the truth. He’s running through the halls of his mind, opening the doors where he’s stored all the information on me and my kind. Except I don’t have a kind. My mother and brother’s easy emotions sicken me, but I don’t share the same carelessness as my father. The urges fly through my arteries with every heartbeat, yet I know within whatever settles for my soul that I could never truly hurt the man before me.

I lean my body into him, rest my forehead against his, and look down into his eyes. “I want to bond with you, Jason. Let me try.”

***

He strips me bare and lays me out over his bed. The idea is to feel vulnerable, he explains. No matter the level of trust already there, one feels vulnerable their first time.

Without my weapons, without my clothing while he keeps his, I can almost feel it. The unsureness in the pit of my stomach that makes me long to regain the upper hand.

“Do I undress you?” I ask with a smile, hoping to gain some kind of control back as Jason comes over to me in the bed.

Jason smiles back some before giving me a kiss. I take it as an invitation and go for his shirt.

He lets me. He lets me go until I bite the tip of his tongue a little harder than intended. He pulls back.

“Your urges…” he starts with the utmost seriousness.

I let out nothing more than a dark chuckle as I start to work on his belt. I find the task much easier being able to use both my hands and soon I’ve bent his fly to my will as well. My fingers slip easily between fabric and flesh; they search blind, past skin and pubic hair, until Jason’s choked moan tells me I have him in hand.

I exercise my regained power with strokes and squeezes.

“Lil,” Jason gasps, squirming. I strengthen the next pump I give his cock. “Stop.”

“Make me, Jason.” I tease some with a lick and bite to his shoulder.

He grabs my wrists and holds them up by my head, shifting more of his weight onto me. I fight it.

“Take a deep breath.” Jason instructs. His kiss is soft, but deep. “This isn’t a matter of win and lose, it’s give and take.”

He knows me so well. He understands. I take the breath he tells me to before giving him a more tentative kiss. Jason smiles through it, then counters with his own. He allows me to bring those sweet kisses back through the dark gutters of my mind, this time with Jason following in-step. He's willing to follow me there. I like it.

One hand releases me, grazes down my arm. It tickles until it hits my chest, then fires up my insides. Heat rushes through my veins even as I shiver. Goose bumps and hardened nipples pinched just enough to cause me to moan. Something about this, the way my man’s hands and mouth dote on my body, makes me want to give back. And not just because I imagine he’ll give all the more if I do. My free hand explores different ways and places to touch him. I love reactions and each of these are new and exciting. Rubbing his arms makes him smile, nipping at his earlobe makes him moan, and when I dig my nails into the space between his shoulder blades his body grinds down into me.

He laces his fingers through mine. “Open your thighs, Lilith.”

He says it hot and husky into the side of my neck and I find myself obeying. I do it without a second thought, handing over the control. Jason acknowledges my step of blind trust with a gentle look into my eyes.

By the time our lips meet his fingers have spread me open. His touch is careful, deliberate, and skilled. He gets a moaned expletive out of me with the first grazing of clit and curled hair. Only in kills have I felt rushes like this. Ones that cause both needs in me to grow out of control. My nails dig in deep, until the sticky wetness of blood rises up around my fingertips. Blood’s surging as my body grows damp with sweat. Jason’s hand slips and slides over me as I soak sheets with need.

This time, I’m the one squirming under Jason’s hand. “More,” slips out in a throated growl, somewhere between a beg and an order.

“Ready?”

“Yes.”

Clothing rustles and his erection is no longer a bulge of fabric against my leg. Like it was in my hand, it’s hot and hard and seems to move in its own need for release.

“This may hurt," he warns.

“Good.”

He doesn’t have to look me in the eye to know I’m serious. I want the pain. I want the pain and the blood, even if its mine. I’ve broken the seals on so many others' bodies when killing; I want Jason to break my seal when he makes love to me.

He does it in one swift move, buries himself to the hilt, just like I would. He moans low and deep. Just like I would. I feel the shock my victims must feel and give a gasp as if all the air just got pushed out of my lungs. Shock first, then pain. My eyes close and muscles constrict in attempts to hold the feeling.

“Relax, Lil,” Jason murmurs, sprinkling kisses over my face. “It’s easier if you relax.”

 _Relax, the blade goes in so much easier if you relax._ Did I tell Jason about that? Did he remember it? Did he know how well it’d work as my muscles melt under him once again? Does he know why I’m smiling now?

“Are you okay?”

“More,” I reply, planting my lips onto his.

He moves. Just like with the first thrust I can feel myself being stretched out, tearing slightly, from the inside. I close my eyes and imagine the blood that seeps out in the thrusts. The image reminds me of the blood that runs around my blade during a kill and I let out a moan. My body works to match his rhythm and Jason breathes out my name. I do the same with his name, assuming its what one does.

His pace picks up.

It comes in waves now…pain, pleasure, pleasure, pain, pleasure.

Within Jason’s smooth movements I smell a growing desperation. It’s not the kind that sickens me, though; it’s a new kind I find enticing, and long to satisfy even while unsure how.

“Jay…” The rest of his name tumbles into a moan.

His hand is back between my thighs.

“More!”

It’s followed quickly by something I rarely allow myself. An outcry.

The thrust is so harsh it nearly moves me up in the bed. That tearing, throbbing, sensation from within is as intense as when my cherry first popped. Yet with it comes the rush felt when seeing the life leave some whimpering fool’s eyes.

It’s a new kind of death.

Things go dark, then white, then the red I dream about in my favorite dream. Jason shudders and dies with me, leaving behind a strange, fulfilling, warmth that coats my insides.

Like a blade, Jason pulls out.

“How do you feel?” His voice is muffled with exhaustion and satisfaction as he shifts to lay beside me.

“Sore.”

He kisses me as if I would shatter. “The pain will leave, I promise.”

“It’s fine,” I confess before giving him a slightly off-center smile. “I like it.”

“Tomorrow we will talk more.” It’s not a request.

“And tonight?”

“Tonight we sleep.”

Tonight Jason’s in charge. Tomorrow is…tomorrow.

***///***

 _"It is regarded as normal to consecrate virginity in general and to lust for its destruction in particular." ~ Karl Kraus_


End file.
